my relationship with God had been there all my life....but mostly ignored... i learned about the bible ever since i could remember. i aced bible studies without fail even though, looking back, i really knew nothing about it. i did not grow up in a christian family. in fact, my parents think it was a waste of time and that believing in yourself was probaby the most practical thing anyhow.

it wasn't until i got into grad school where i had to move 2 hours away from home in a completely new environment did i meet God again... in a different way, with a different heart.

but now, i feel like our relationship is strained.  for a year and a half, i believed in God but i didn't know him. All i had that kept me going was this strong urge in my heart, that kept me motivated.  I was not a good follower. I couldn't go to church every weekend i came home because I simply had no means of getting there. I don't have a home church where I feel like I can grow.  In London (where i m doing grad school), i have just found a church which i love but even that, was impersonal.  i wanted to find a fellowship that is more open and understanding, but i failed. i feel like God is here but there is a wall.  I wanted to go on a mission trip for a month or two. I wanted to do so much.  But even still, my relationship with God was not as strong as I hoped for.  i desparately wanted to give everything up to him but I couldn't.  it really hit me when i just recently became single. i am going to be 25 in exactly a month.  I really thought God had already brought the right person in my life.  I really thought that things were going to be fine but instead, it toppled down on me.   I always wanted a family like those in our church.  I had the greatest imagination and all of it seem to be shattered after breaking up with someone who I loved so dearly but couldn't figure out what was missing and he felt the same.  are we just trying to play God here by deciding ourselves or do we have a totally skewed perspective in how a relationship should be?  i m so broken and i m praying and praying everyday that somehow, God would heal me.  Could i ask Him for that though if our relationship was so...inconsistent?

I am lost.